TwoBit's Side
by Rose0404
Summary: Okay, so you've probably heard about alot of the stupid stuff I've done, right? Well, this is those stories, only from MY point of view. And I swear, I had a logical reason for EVERYTHING...Well, it seemed logical at the time at least...
1. Writer's Note

**a/n: OK, before you even read this, I just want you to know that this is set in modern time. If you don't like it, read it anyway! Don't knock 'til you try it!**

**Also, I try my hardest to spell _everything_ correctly, as well as have good grammar. It bugs me when a fic is filled with spelling and grammar mistakes, so if I misspell anything, please review and tell me!**

**One last thing: WARNING Flames _will_ be either taken into consideration and/or laughed at! WARNING**

**I'm done ranting, so read on and review! XD**

**I love you all, .:M:.**


	2. Walmart

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Chapter One:  
Walmart

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Okay. So you've probably heard stories about all the stupid stuff I've done. But I'm gonna set the record straight. 

These are a couple of stories you've heard about me, but from_ my_ point of view. And I swear, I have a perfectly logical reason for all of it. Or at least, it seemed logical at the time.

So anyway, here's what _really_ happened...

I was walking down the street, mindin' my own business, when my crazy girlfriend showed up. Her name was Thelma, and what she lacked in the Sanity Department, she made up for in looks. Blond, curvy, and an all around looker. But crazy as hell.

Anyways, she comes up to me, and starts nagging me about how I never got her a birthday present and shit. So I'm just nodding my head, and randomly saying sorry, trying to get her to shut up. I wasn't really listening until she said, "Great! Let's go!" and started dragging me towards downtown. I didn't really mind, 'cuz I still had a hangover from last night at Buck's. But I dug in my heels when I saw that she was headed towards Walmart, 'cuz I was so broke, I was in pieces.

"Uh, sorry Thelma, but I gotta go uh...read my mail." I said, thinking as fast as I could with a hangover.

"Oh no you don't! You owe me!" She said, still pulling.

She pulled me into Walmart, started picking out clothes, and asking me which one I liked best. Of course I didn't really give a shit, but to make her happy (and shut up), I'd just randomly say yes. Finally, while she wasn't looking, I ran like hell for the exit. But then, I remembered something I'd read in a magazine. It was a complete accident, I swear! I had just got done glueing the pages of Mr. Syme's gradebook together, and I needed a cover, so I grabbed a magazine, and pretended to read it. Only I accidently read this one part. It was fifteen things to do in Walmart. And I just so happened to be in Walmart, and bored as hell, so I decided to try it out.

The first thing I decided to do was incidently the first thing on the list. Go figure. So I got a couple of packs of condoms, and started ramdomly placing them in peoples carts when they weren't looking. It was funny to watch them go to the check out counter and find them in there!

On to the next one! I went to the Houseware department, and found the alarm clocks. I set them to go off every five minutes, then walked off. I smirked as I heard a lady scream as they started going off.

Next, I got a can of tomatoe juice, and made a trail of it towards the womans bathroom. This was actually pretty fun!

Then, I started darting suspiciously around the store loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

And in the auto department, I tried out my "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

So then, I went up to the service desk, and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway...

I moved a "Caution: Wet Floor" to a carpeted area...

When an employee tried to ask me if I needed anything, I screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers I'd invite them in if they brought pillows and blankets from the bedroom department... (This one chick actually did it, but that's another story.)

Looked into a security camera and used it to pick my nose...

While I was handling the guns in the Hunting department, I asked the clerk where the anti-depressents were... (She got real pale and nervous looking)

Hid in a clothing rack, and when someone started browsing through, yelled, "PICK ME!! PICK ME!!"

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, I curled up in a ball on the floor and yelled, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"

Went into the dressing rooms, waited awhile, and then yelled, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

And finally, I walked up to some random clerk person, (I couldn't tell if "it" was a he or a she.) and said in my most official-sounding voice, "Code 3 in House-Wares, get on it." _It_ ran off, looking slightly paniced. Next thing I knew, a guy on the intercom was telling everyone a swarm of killer bees had attacked House-Wares, and to evacuate the store. Then, the cops showed up, and _it_ told them I was the one who told her about the "Code 3."

You know, I'm the only person I know who's been arrested for impersonating a Wal-Mart employee. Go figure.


	3. Dreams

Chapter Four:

Dreams

I had crashed at the Curtis' house that night. I had just got up at the crack of noon, when Darry came stumbling down the stairs. It was one of his rare days off, and he had slept in.

"Ugh." He groaned.

"What's up, Superman?" I asked, grinning.

"I had the most horrible dream!" He muttered.

"Was it that one where you're on top of a pyramid, and lots of naked, screaming women are throwing little pickles at you?" I asked.

"...no."

"Ya know, I seem to be the only one who has that dream..." I said. He just stared at me, before shaking his head sadly, and making himself some coffee.

That dream isn't all that bad actually...


	4. Smokes

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Smokes

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All I wanted out of life that night was some smokes. That's my excuse. I mean, I was outta beer!

So I go over to Thelma's house. Ya know, my crazy girlfriend? We've all had the. Unless you're a girl. But even then...Anyway, I go over to her house, ya dig? An' we get into a whole make-out session, when she randomly says she has to pee, and flounces into the bathroom. And I needed a smoke _real_ bad. So I look on her dresser, an' see some funny lookin' white cigarettes. Now, I was outta beer 'cuz I drank it all, so I wasn't thinking too clearly. So I take one out, brush off a piece of string, and light it. Just then, Thelma came out of the bathroom.

"Two-Bit, why are you smoking my tampon?"


	5. Church

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**

Church

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I was bored. That was my excuse this time. Normally, I'd just bug Dally, but it must have been his time of the month or something, 'cuz after just five minutes, he threatened to shave me bald. And since we were in the hair salon where Sylvia works, an' his hand was twitching on the buzz razor, I figured I'd better go find Pony.

So I go over to the Curtis' house, and Pony's all dressed up. His pants only reached to his ankles. You could see his socks. I cocked my eyebrow, (the ladies love that) and asked if he was waiting for a flood. His ears turned red, and he muttered something about church. So since I was bored, I offered to go too.

We get to the church, an' Steve drives by, stops, put it in reverse, and yelled, "Hey, Two-Bit! Ya know that's church, right?"

I stare at the church and say, "Why so it is."

He shrugs, drops off Sodapop, and drives off. Soda has on a tux, a bow tie, and his hair is slicked back. So naturally, I reach to mess it up.

He laughed, and said, "Hey, it took Steve ten minutes to get it like this."

"Hey, guys!" Johnny said, running up. "Ready?"

"Roger." I said.

"It's Johnny."

We're late, an' when I open the door, all the people turn around. Pony and Johnny drag us to our seats in the back. I sit down, and try to listen. Honestly, I did! But the preacher was just too funny! He was yelling about hellfire and damn nation, (he looked at us when he said that) and spazzing out. His face turned pink, then red, then scarlet, and back to red again. There was this big chandelier on the ceiling. Every time he talked, (or shouted) it shook. So Soda and I start mimicking him. But then we accidentally dropped the hymn book right when he calls for a moment of prayer and silence. Everyone turned around to glare at us, and the preacher gives us the evil eye. Soda and I waved at them.

I ain't never heard anyone yell that loud. Then, the chandelier starts shaking real bad. I thought it was going to fall. Fortunately, the priest had a heart attack before then. As the ambulance pulled away, Soda and I removed the hats we stole from two geezers.

We haven't gone to church since.


	6. Lockers

**Lockers**

So I was at school, right? And I had this massive hangover. So I went to my locker, entered my combination, and tried to open it. It didn't open. I kicked it. Still didn't open. Then I saw the Wood Tech class' cart. It's full of all the old junk that needs to be replaced. And sitting right on top is a big ol' sledgehammer. I grinned, got it, and took a swing at the locker. _Still_ didn't open. I hit it a couple more times. Right when I'm about to hit it once more, this nerdy kid comes up to me.

"Two-Bit, why are you hitting my locker with a sledgehammer?" he asked, sniffing a little.

"This is my locker." I said.

"No, your locker is that one." he pointed to the locker next to me.

I dropped the sledgehammer, entered my combination into the other locker, and it opened. "Why so it is." I got my books, and walked down the hallway, whistling.

I wonder if that nerdy kid ever got his locker fixed...


	7. Pants

**Shorts**

Ponyboy runs track. And lately the cheerleaders have started to cheer at track meets. So I figured I'd run too. How hard could it be?

I tripped on the hurdles, and they fell like dominoes, hitting some guy at the end...

Apparently, you can't slow down every time you see a pretty girl during races...

I threw the shot fifty feet...onto the coach's foot...

I threw the disk eighty feet...into the cheer leading pyramid...

And in the long jump, I did a face plant in the sand.

Finally, I tried the pole vault. Pony says anyone who tries to jump over a stick in the air, using a pole is crazy. Naturally, I kicked ass. Coach said I had real potential...from the stretcher.

So I practiced every day. No really! I heard my competition was some Soc named Chad. And I was really good at it too!

Finally, the big day arrived. All the students and parents were sitting in the bleachers, cheering us on. Ponyboy won his event.

Anyway, back to what's really important: ME. So I stretched, and got pumped (crocked), and got ready. The Soc jumped really high. Almost eleven feet. But I was in the zone, man!

So I got up there, bowed to my adoring fans, and concentrated. I ran as fast as I could, stuck the pole in the slot, and jumped twelve feet! I landed on the mat, stood up, and looked at the crowd, waiting for them to cheer. But it's quiet.

_Too_ quiet.

I felt a breeze, and looked down. My shorts had fallen off. I looked back up, grinned, and said, "To all you ladies out there, you're welcome." And walked off with as much dignity as I could muster.

I wasn't wearing any underwear.

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**a/n: Sorry for the LOOOONG awaited update, but here it is! :D**


	8. Can I Have

**Can I Have...**

Since it was national Mess With Dally Day, I considered it my patriotic duty to mess with him. I was willing to make that sacrifice.

So I walked up to him. "Hey Dally," I said. "I haven't had this in a _really_ long time, and I just really need some. I just...I just love the way it goes in, hard and dry, and comes out soft and wet...and I really hate to ask you but..." Dally paled, and started backing away. "Can I have..._a stick of gum_?"

It was worth the black eye.


	9. Dare

Chapter Two:

Dare

Me, Johnny, Pony, Soda, and Dally were all at the mall, trying to shoplift some stuff, and basically being "a disgrace to society, America, and humans in general!"

So anyways, we were all braggin' about all the tuff stuff we could do. And I said that I could pick this one guy's pocket. I mean, he wasn't paying attention at all, 'cuz he was too busy talking on his cellphone. He musta been having phone sex or something. But Dally bet I couldn't.

"I can so!"

"Yeah? Then prove it."

"I will. And when I do, you have to...sing 'I'm a Barbie Girl' in front of everyone at the mall." I said, smirking at the thought.

"Fine. But when _I _win, you have to...kiss that mannequin over there in front of everyone." Dally said, smirking as well.

"Hm," I stroked an imaginary beard in mock thought, "define 'kiss.'"

"Well, first, you stroke her hair," Soda said, touching Dally's hair, ignoring his "Get off!" "Then, you grab her and dip her!" He grabbed Dally around the waist, and dipped him down low, somehow managing to hold on despite Dally flailing about. "Next, you kiss her..." Dally finally kicked Soda's feet out from under him, and they both fell down. Dally quickly stood up, kicked Soda in the nads (nads! Hah, funny word...), and stalked over to one of the shop windows to make sure his hair wasn't messed up, cussing the entire time. Pony and Johnny watched all this in amusement, grinning slightly.

I laughed, and walked over to the man. Soda had recovered somewhat, leaned against the wall and watched, Johnny and Pony both looked in disbelief and awe, and even Dally stopped messing with his precious hair long enough to watch. I slowly slipped my hand down his back pocket. It was Sunday, and no one else was really here, but I still wanted to make this quick. I grabbed the wallet with my middle and first finger, and started to pull out, but then he whipped around. And there I was with my hand down the back of his pants. And he was a big guy too. I gulped, expecting to get wailed on, but he grinned, gave me a slip of paper, winked, and walked off. The paper had his phone number on it and his name. Sheldon. Soda and Dally were literally on the floor laughing, and Johnny and Pony were giggling.

When Dally recovered, he smirked and said, "You lose. Oh, and if you don't kiss it, then I'll shave you bald while you sleep."

Crap.

He meant it too. I wordlessly stalked over to the mannequin, and stared at her for a second. Well, if I had to do this, might as well have fun with it.

I walked back over to a stand that was selling flowers, bought a rose, and ignoring the guy's confused looks, walked back over to it...er, her. I got down on one knee and said dramatically, "For you my love! My heart yearns for you, I cannot live without you!" I stuck it down the front of "her" shirt, grabbed her, dipped her down, and continued, "My soul is on fire. It burns for you. It is not a small flame, but a fire. A big, roaring fire. Burning, burning, burning for you!" And I kissed her with passion.

Yep. I sure got a lot of funny looks that day, but it's better than being bald. Even though I did get arrested by mall police, it was worth it.

I'm seeing her again on Tuesday.


	10. Beer?

**Beer?**

So Dally an' I are at Buck's, and this idiot was actually hitting on Sylvia! Now, Dally was ready to throw him threw the wall, but I had a better idea.

I grab my empty bottle of beer, an' step into the "cowboy's" restroom for a bit. When I came out, I walked up to him, an' said, "You deserve this for scoring _that_!" I gave Sylvia a pointed look, an' gave him the now full bottle. She frowned, an' gives me a confused glare back.

He shrugged, an' chugged about half of it before realizing what it was, an' did a classic spew all over the place.

Dally laughed so hard he threw up. (But then again, it mighta been the nine an' a half bottles of beer, but that's a different story.)


	11. Popsicle Juice

"**Popsicle Juice"**

Now Johnny was in the living room 'cuz he wasn't feeling too hot, so Ponyboy was sitting right beside him playing nurse. I was in the chair, resting my eyes after hard day of babysitting duty. (See, I'm not mooching, I'm _babysitting._)

Pony was sucking on his Popsicle, keeping an eye on Johnny's fever. But then he gets this bright idea that since Johnny's forehead was hot, an' his Popsicle was cold, then if he put his Popsicle on Johnny's forehead, then it would melt his Popsicle. (He liked the juice, see?)

So Pony slaps the Popsicle on Johnny's head.

"Pony? What'cha doing?" Johnny mumbled.

"Melting my Popsicle." Ponyboy said all matter-of-fact.

"Not gonna work."

"Will so. HA!" Pony cried, triumphantly holding up his now half-melted Popsicle.

But he musta held it too tight, 'cuz the juice overflowed out the top, an' onto Pony's hand an' Johnny's lap.

Pony dropped the now empty plastic, and exclaimed, "Great. Now my hands all sticky."

Course, that just so happened to be right when Dally, Johnny's knight in dented armor, walked through the front door.

An' he just looks at Pony's hand an' Johnny's lap, both covered in wet, sticky, coconut Popsicle juice.

An' I look at Dally, wondering what he'll do next, 'cuz with guy's like him, you can never tell.

An' Johnny looks at Dally through half-lidded eyes and moans slightly. (From the _fever_!)

An' Pony looks at Dally, like a deer in the headlights, an' blurts out, "It's just Popsicle juice, I swear!"

"Or is it?!" I demand. "Bum bum buuuuuum!"

Johnny just looks at me. "What else would it be?"

**a/n: I know, Johnny's not **_**that**_** naïve, but I just love the ending too much to change it! :3**


	12. She Started It!

She started it. I just want to put that out there. She started it.

Now I, on the other hand, was merely trying to further my education by visiting the public library. (Ponyboy had bet me two six packs that I couldn't spend half an hour in there with all those joy-killing, soul-stealing, brainwashing books.)

So naturally, when I saw a slightly opened door, I had to investigate!

I pushed open the door, and what did I see but the world's hottest broad (fine, second hottest because Sylvia would kill me if I didn't put her first) bending over a very large counter.

I walked in, and the door closed behind me. The room had a weird air flow, I _swear_! And me being the fine young gentleman that I am, I decided to help her.

"Ma'am?" I asked. "Can I help you?"

"Oh!" She gasped, standing up straight. "I ah...I just dropped my glasses behind the counter."

"What's the counter for?" I frowned, puzzled.

"It's where we usually keep the typewriter, but we had to send it out to be repaired. I was just looking behind the counter to see if I could find the 'f' key. It's missing." She explained, leaning forward and squinting.

"Um, did you find it?" I leaned away, looking towards the door.

"No, but I dropped my glasses." She complained, blinking rapidly and squinting again.

"Ohhh, so your glasses are stuck behind the counter." I said wisely, nodding in understandability.

"Hey, maybe you can reach them!" She suggested happily. "Come over here, and try to grab them." She turned around to show me where they were behind the counter, and somehow slipped, hitting the wall. A shelf came loose, and almost crashed down onto her. I bounded across the room, and caught it just before it hit her.

"Wait!" She shouted. "I think I can do it!"

"I don't know how long I can keep this up." I warned, holding up the heavy shelf.

"Just try! I'm getting close!"

"I will." I grunted, my arms protesting under the weight of a shelf full of books.

"Just a little bit longer—I'm so close!" She cried.

"Come on baby, you can do it!" I encouraged, before slipping slightly under the weight, and pushing her forward a bit.

"Oh yes, do that again! Do it harder!"

"I don't know how much longer I can last, baby doll." I groaned—what were these books made of? Iron?!

"Almost there...ahhh...AHA!" She shouted in triumph. I threw off the shelf into the corner with a moan of relief.

"What is going on in—" A very old librarian lady opened the door, and stared at us in shock.

She was bending over the desk, face flushed, hair mussed, grinning happily. I was standing directly behind her, panting slightly from exertion, and smirking triumphantly.

Behind the old librarian, about twenty small children stared in at us with wide, innocent eyes.

Without a word, she closed the door.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?"


End file.
